Heart

I guess I am supposed to write about my heart. But I'm afraid of what my heart has to say. I'm fearful to write this post because I truly do mean the words I am typing on the screen.

I do not know exactly what my heart wants to say. Not this week. Not any week. I feel like I do the exact same thing every week. But I don't know any other way. I sit at my computer and stare at the screen for a few hours because I want to make my writing good. I want people to comment and tell me its really good and I want Nelson to put it in the top five. I have been told a few times that my writing is good. And I do truly believe that there are some people who think my writing is good.

 But overall, I feel like it is my heart I try to impress most often. I write and write and write and I feel like the more I write, the more unimpressed I am with myself. I don't feel adequate enough for myself. And because of that, I don't feel adequate enough for the class or for Nelson or my parents or classmates. And the longer I lay awake at nights, struggling with my insomnia, the more things about me I don't find myself happy with. Sometimes I tell myself I'm not a good writer. Other times it can be big things or small things. I'm not a good son or friend. I'm not as much help in math class as I think I am. I'm a bad cook.

 Maybe this is God's way of feeding me some humble pie. But I'm stuffed. My belt is stretching and I can't take another bite.

 I hope he can see I'm full.
I hope he can see my heart is full.
I hope he can see my heart can't take myself.

Comments

  1. Madeline McNovember 23, 2014 at 9:15 PM

    "im afraid of what my heart has to say" me too

    me too

    ReplyDelete
  2. McKay UtleyNovember 23, 2014 at 9:32 PM

    Woah bro, I just want to say you're one of (and always have been) one my faves.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Johann Wolfgang Von GoetheNovember 24, 2014 at 3:24 PM

    "there are some people who think my writing is good."

    You're dang right. It's because it is.

    ReplyDelete
  4. NelsonDecember 7, 2014 at 8:29 PM

    Trust me. You're plenty adequate.

    Thank you for taking us with you on this journey.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Inadequecy

I'm not sure whether or not I want to actually post this. I'm afraid that people will see me differently than they do now. I don't want that. Or maybe I do. I'm still just trying to figure out who I am as a person and people expect me to be applying for college and leave everything for 2 years and get good grades and keep a job and be kind to everyone and I just don't feel there is enough time for everything. I don't want this to sound like I'm revealing my pen name, but here goes nothing. My name is Tanner Johanson. I was almost named Dylan, but my parents decided to switch at the last second. I've always been quiet until you get to know me. I don't have very much self confidence, but I barely make it by with what I got. I feel more pressure than is needed. I don't like school, but I tell people to go there and learn as much as possible. I tutor, yet I don't do my own homework. My actions and words are pretty hypocritical and I hate that...
Read more

This

Here we are again. New semester, new classes, new teachers. Same faces. And with only a semester of school left, this will be it. No more new classes. No posting schedules on Instagram or Facebook with the caption of "Any classes anyone???" This is it. For all the Dallin Ferrels, Jake Ervings, and Ben Clarks. It's time to fight on and reach our peak. Or so we have been told for the last three years of our lives. And for the first two years, I have just been getting by. I do not know what would have happened if I hadn't taken Mr. Nelson's class in 10th grade. That class was where I felt alive in one of the deadest places in all of Utah valley from 7:45 to 2:15 on Mondays to Fridays. If I hadn't taken that class, I probably wouldn't have been in Creative Writing and not have been in this class. If I were to map out my high school life for you all, you all would see things that may make some of you cry. But then again, maybe not. I was never a football or ...
Read more