Heart

I guess I am supposed to write about my heart. But I'm afraid of what my heart has to say. I'm fearful to write this post because I truly do mean the words I am typing on the screen.

I do not know exactly what my heart wants to say. Not this week. Not any week. I feel like I do the exact same thing every week. But I don't know any other way. I sit at my computer and stare at the screen for a few hours because I want to make my writing good. I want people to comment and tell me its really good and I want Nelson to put it in the top five. I have been told a few times that my writing is good. And I do truly believe that there are some people who think my writing is good.

 But overall, I feel like it is my heart I try to impress most often. I write and write and write and I feel like the more I write, the more unimpressed I am with myself. I don't feel adequate enough for myself. And because of that, I don't feel adequate enough for the class or for Nelson or my parents or classmates. And the longer I lay awake at nights, struggling with my insomnia, the more things about me I don't find myself happy with. Sometimes I tell myself I'm not a good writer. Other times it can be big things or small things. I'm not a good son or friend. I'm not as much help in math class as I think I am. I'm a bad cook.

 Maybe this is God's way of feeding me some humble pie. But I'm stuffed. My belt is stretching and I can't take another bite.

 I hope he can see I'm full.
I hope he can see my heart is full.
I hope he can see my heart can't take myself.

Comments

  1. Madeline McNovember 23, 2014 at 9:15 PM

    "im afraid of what my heart has to say" me too

    me too

    ReplyDelete
  2. McKay UtleyNovember 23, 2014 at 9:32 PM

    Woah bro, I just want to say you're one of (and always have been) one my faves.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Johann Wolfgang Von GoetheNovember 24, 2014 at 3:24 PM

    "there are some people who think my writing is good."

    You're dang right. It's because it is.

    ReplyDelete
  4. NelsonDecember 7, 2014 at 8:29 PM

    Trust me. You're plenty adequate.

    Thank you for taking us with you on this journey.

    ReplyDelete

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