Inadequecy
I'm not sure whether or not I want to actually post this. I'm afraid that people will see me differently than they do now. I don't want that. Or maybe I do. I'm still just trying to figure out who I am as a person and people expect me to be applying for college and leave everything for 2 years and get good grades and keep a job and be kind to everyone and I just don't feel there is enough time for everything.
I don't want this to sound like I'm revealing my pen name, but here goes nothing.
My name is Tanner Johanson. I was almost named Dylan, but my parents decided to switch at the last second. I've always been quiet until you get to know me. I don't have very much self confidence, but I barely make it by with what I got. I feel more pressure than is needed. I don't like school, but I tell people to go there and learn as much as possible. I tutor, yet I don't do my own homework. My actions and words are pretty hypocritical and I hate that I'm not more real.
I read everyone else's blogs and I get chills because of how great everyone is in the class. It's hard for me to blog because I feel like the worst writer in the class. I feel inadequate. I feel like it would have been so much better for someone else to have my spot in the class, but I don't want to give it up. I've written like, 5 posts this whole semester and I'm upset at myself for not writing more.
When I look around the class, I see everyone with their friends. Talking and laughing and smiling. Then I realize I'm the one kid in the class who isn't talking with someone else. I feel like I am the one kid in class who doesn't have any friends. I'm always sitting in the back right corner because I would feel uncomfortable sitting in front of people. I'm too shy to try to reach out to people and I freaking hate it. Like most people, I hate to be judged and I don't like to be in front of people because that gives them an opportunity to judge me without my knowledge of it.
I desperately want to become friends with everyone in the class. I want this to be a nest. A safety net where I can come and express my feelings and thoughts without being scared. I want to be able to walk into my fourth period class and be able to talk and laugh and leave all my insecurities out the door. I don't like being alone.
This class is an amazing place. I'm not saying that I don't like this class. I love this class. These are just some issues I have. Mainly with myself.
Every day for me is a battle. Getting out of bed is one of the hardest things for me to do, and it's not because it's warm or I'm tired. I would just rather sleep than face the difficulties that the day throws my way. When we were at the pond, I was crying. I hated it because I tried my hardest to concentrate on what everyone was slamming about. I just couldn't seem to shake off the sadness that has too often overcome me.
I've been depressed since I don't know how long. During 10th grade year, I stayed in the Provo Canyon Behavior Hospital for a week because I needed to learn how to deal with it. I get major anxiety and I have had to get help with that. I couldn't stand to get in front of people. I would have panic attacks and my legs and arms would shake and I wouldn't be able to sit still and I would sweat and my hands would sorta just go wild.
I really don't know what to do with my life. I'm unsure about every single step I take. I'm indecisive and I hate doing group work because "sharing my opinion with others" is worse than pulling out my teeth with the pliers out in my garage. My eye sight is not great and I feel stupid wearing my glasses. Not that I don't like them, but I feel nerdy, not good enough, and blind.
My name is Tanner Johanson.
I feel insecure about almost everything in life.
I don't feel like I fit in anywhere.
I have depression.
I'm afraid.
I cry.
I hate my past.
But I keep trying.
Thank you Colby, Tanner, CJ, Mallary, Emma, JJ, Kailee, McCall, Samantha, McKay, Abby N, John, Hailey, Madeline, Micah, Abby, Taylor, Reagan, Isaac, Natalie, Jess, Sara, Cassidy, Natty, Morgan, Cole, Annie, Hannah, Maddi, Megan, Michael, and Nelson.
Thank you guys for leaving one seat on our plane of a classroom for me.
The plane that is being built as we fly it.
I can't think of anyone I would want to finish out the year with more.
I don't want this to sound like I'm revealing my pen name, but here goes nothing.
My name is Tanner Johanson. I was almost named Dylan, but my parents decided to switch at the last second. I've always been quiet until you get to know me. I don't have very much self confidence, but I barely make it by with what I got. I feel more pressure than is needed. I don't like school, but I tell people to go there and learn as much as possible. I tutor, yet I don't do my own homework. My actions and words are pretty hypocritical and I hate that I'm not more real.
I read everyone else's blogs and I get chills because of how great everyone is in the class. It's hard for me to blog because I feel like the worst writer in the class. I feel inadequate. I feel like it would have been so much better for someone else to have my spot in the class, but I don't want to give it up. I've written like, 5 posts this whole semester and I'm upset at myself for not writing more.
When I look around the class, I see everyone with their friends. Talking and laughing and smiling. Then I realize I'm the one kid in the class who isn't talking with someone else. I feel like I am the one kid in class who doesn't have any friends. I'm always sitting in the back right corner because I would feel uncomfortable sitting in front of people. I'm too shy to try to reach out to people and I freaking hate it. Like most people, I hate to be judged and I don't like to be in front of people because that gives them an opportunity to judge me without my knowledge of it.
I desperately want to become friends with everyone in the class. I want this to be a nest. A safety net where I can come and express my feelings and thoughts without being scared. I want to be able to walk into my fourth period class and be able to talk and laugh and leave all my insecurities out the door. I don't like being alone.
This class is an amazing place. I'm not saying that I don't like this class. I love this class. These are just some issues I have. Mainly with myself.
Every day for me is a battle. Getting out of bed is one of the hardest things for me to do, and it's not because it's warm or I'm tired. I would just rather sleep than face the difficulties that the day throws my way. When we were at the pond, I was crying. I hated it because I tried my hardest to concentrate on what everyone was slamming about. I just couldn't seem to shake off the sadness that has too often overcome me.
I've been depressed since I don't know how long. During 10th grade year, I stayed in the Provo Canyon Behavior Hospital for a week because I needed to learn how to deal with it. I get major anxiety and I have had to get help with that. I couldn't stand to get in front of people. I would have panic attacks and my legs and arms would shake and I wouldn't be able to sit still and I would sweat and my hands would sorta just go wild.
I really don't know what to do with my life. I'm unsure about every single step I take. I'm indecisive and I hate doing group work because "sharing my opinion with others" is worse than pulling out my teeth with the pliers out in my garage. My eye sight is not great and I feel stupid wearing my glasses. Not that I don't like them, but I feel nerdy, not good enough, and blind.
My name is Tanner Johanson.
I feel insecure about almost everything in life.
I don't feel like I fit in anywhere.
I have depression.
I'm afraid.
I cry.
I hate my past.
But I keep trying.
Thank you Colby, Tanner, CJ, Mallary, Emma, JJ, Kailee, McCall, Samantha, McKay, Abby N, John, Hailey, Madeline, Micah, Abby, Taylor, Reagan, Isaac, Natalie, Jess, Sara, Cassidy, Natty, Morgan, Cole, Annie, Hannah, Maddi, Megan, Michael, and Nelson.
Thank you guys for leaving one seat on our plane of a classroom for me.
The plane that is being built as we fly it.
I can't think of anyone I would want to finish out the year with more.
Thank you Tanner.
ReplyDeleteThis is realest thing I've ever read from you. Thank you for writing it.
Thank you for taking this class. Thank you for having the courage to write what's in your heart. Thank you for making it to the pond. Thank you for making it through sophomore year. Thank you for making it this far.
There's so much I want to tell you.
You are going to make it. You are going to be fine. School and life and families and God and money and jobs and girls and everything in the future. It will all work out. I'm not just trying to make you feel better. Well, I am trying to make you feel better. But I'm telling you the truth. B e p a t i e n t and let this world come to you. Don't let it intimidate you. You are more talented than you think.
I believe in you Tanner. You're not afraid to be yourself and that will come in handy one day, I know it.
Keep on keeping on.
That seat on the plane was always meant for you.
rt Nelson.
ReplyDeleteand I totally feel you with the glasses thing.
ps you are definitely not the worst writer in the class, you're awesome so keep it up.
you are wonderful. I hope I can be as brave as you someday.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis was so brave.
ReplyDeleteI love how you can express yourself so well through writing.
I feel alone in this class too but hey that's ok. Thanks for being you and writing real things like this.
definitely one of my favorite posts I read out of my entire senior year. this was awesome, real, honest, raw, and I seriously loved every second of reading it. I love when people open up and you see a side of them you didnt know existed, I have never spoken to you but I have always thought you were so funny in our class. sneaky funny. the best kind of funny.
ReplyDeleteYou're also a sneaky good writer. The best kind.
Thanks for being in our class, you made an impact whether you ever believe it or not.