I'm not used to this



I'm afraid of this post. I'm afraid of every post.


I'm scared people will look at my writing and say it sucks and laugh at it for the wrong reasons. I'm afraid to let my thoughts and feelings flow so freely.

I'm afraid to speak in class because I never have the right ideas. I'm afraid to not speak up because answers are wrong and I fear being disliked more than being wrong. I fear I'm becoming a contradiction to myself.

I fear losing myself. Mentally, not necessarily physically.



I fear going left when I should have gone right.

I fear going right when I should have gone left.

But now I just have no idea where I'm headed.

I'm scared of losing you, and her, and him, and them.
I'm scared of losing me.

I think I got lost and there are no road signs back home. The sun may be shining, but it's too dark to put on sunglasses with my eyes. Being swallowed by the dark emptiness I feel every night when I can't fall asleep, I am alone and afraid to move. The thought of being alone scares me.

The feeling of being alone scares me. Being with too many people scares me. This is coming from the kid who walked across the alpine highway as a 3 year old. Back when I was invincible.

I'm afraid to come home everyday. I'm scared that you'll yell at me and make me feel worse about my day then tell you "my day was alright" when you ask me how it goes later that night. I'm worried I'll end up being the random person in the photo books that no nieces and nephews and grandchildren know of. I know this day will come, but I'm afraid to get the phone call. I don't want to seem selfish, but I'm afraid of seeing you sick in bed.

I remember seeing grandma in the hospital and I'm afraid to picture you both in that position. I love you, mom and dad, but I fear you don't love me back the way I want you too.

I'm afraid to graduate. Moving on with my life seems like a completely irrational thought and I am for certain I'm not going to be prepared at all for it. But the time will come when it's time to say goodbye. Goodbye to all the teachers that inspire me and make me feel like I know things. Goodbye to the school that taught me things, but mostly taught me that if I show who I truly am, lots of people aren't as accepting as my 4th grade teacher was.
Most of all, goodbye to the people. The people I like, the people I dislike, the people that meant the world to me.

I'm afraid I'll be forgotten by most of you, and I'm afraid to say goodbye.

I'm afraid to post this because I've put my feelings of fear out there for the world to see. I'm afraid some will laugh. I'm afraid some will not care.

This post has taken the most guts from me to type. Every button I press tugs at my heart. Every sentence twists my stomach. And when I press publish, I'm afraid I'll be bawling.

I just don't normally do this, that's all.

Comments

  1. Malone HansenOctober 26, 2014 at 7:56 PM

    This post made me cry, and not in the middle or just for one line. Every line, phrase and fear made me feel. Such good writing and so real. Thank you for posting this.

    ReplyDelete

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