Aftershock

I can't even really believe I'm writing this. Not that blogging is bad at all. I just wouldn't have even thought I would have time to do anything besides school work.

Maybe this is just a ghost post. One that no one will ever read because I'm pretty sure there is no one that checks my blog anymore to see if I post. I was horrible at posting in the class so why would I post after? I'm not sure. Maybe I just need to vent. Here goes nothing.

To whomever may come across this post,

First, I want to start by thanking you. I don't know if you came across this blog by accident or whether you came wanting me to give something to you to relate to. I'm not even really sure why I am here in the first place so maybe we came searching for the same thing. To feel.

Two days ago. Monday. September 28, 2015. The day I said goodbye to my best friend in the world. Jacob Steven Finch. Elder Finch. It has been so hard for me to say goodbye to the only life I have ever know. Down in safe little Utah county. I've hated saying a temporary goodbye to all my friends and family while I go up to BYU-Idaho, but I know it wouldn't last forever. When I said goodbye to Jacob though, not because I like other people a lot less than him. But Jacob has been there for me through my ups and downs. If it wasn't for Jacob, I don't know if I would have been able to make it through junior high or high school. For whoever doesn't know, one of my best friends committed suicide in the summer before 10th grade. That was the hardest period of time in my life. I could hardly handle the feelings I got from the events of that day. I didn't know how I would make it through. I probably wouldn't have made it through if it wasn't for Jacob. I will miss him a ton while he is serving Heavenly Father in Ghana for the next two years. It may only be two years, but to me, it seems like an eternity.

Moving to Rexburg has been one of the hardest things I have ever done. I need to thank a lot of people for all of the support and love that has been given to me. I need to thank Kyle Nelson and my CW1 and CW2 classes for preparing me so well for life. I need to thank my parents for the time and money they have spent raising me, such a troubled kid. I need to thank my cousins Lauren, Alec, Camille, Brendon, Nathan, and Shaelie for being such good influences in my life. I need to thank my older sister Brittney for being an outstanding example of love in my life. My older brother Tyler for being my hero and the person I admire most. My younger brother Caden for always giving me good laughs. My little sister Rachel for showing me that the harder you try, the better you become. I need to thank my friends in Utah. Olivia, Carson, Parker, Jacob, Bryce, Tyler, Tommy, Josh, Abi. Thank you guys for being there for me through the hard times. Thank you guys for accepting me. I need to thank my friends on missions, Tanner, John, Braden, Jacob, and Ryan for being incredible people. I look up to all of you and strive to live like you guys. I need to thank the people that have accepted me so much in Rexburg. Sarah, Nathan, Tori, Doane, Bryce, David, Mason, Amber, Kristina, and Jerry. There are so many people I still could thank. More family, friends, leaders, etc.

I guess the emotion that is most on my mind at this moment is fear. I'm worried of what may happen in the future. I'm worried to take a step into the darkness [future] and see where I go. I'm afraid of falling backward into a tumbling trust fall and pray that I land on my feet. Figuring out where I want to go in life is scary because what if my career doesn't work out and I can't provide for my future family. But the thing about fear is that you can't let it get in the way. You need to take risks and that is what scares me. I know that risks can pay off, but they are scary to me. I like my comfort zone. But even though the comfort zone is a nice place, nothing beautiful ever grows there.

I was listening to a song earlier today by Lecrae. It's called Wish and in it, it says, "I wish I had a little more time. I gotta whole lot of goals I wish I could achieve, I believe Imma lose my mind. Before I get to those, Yeah I miss the goals, but my shot was off, can't tell what I lost until I count the cost." I get from these lyrics that I'm running out of time to complete what I wanna achieve, but there is so much for me to do that it overwhelms me and I don't end up getting anything done. The last line I get that because of mistakes I've made in the past, I am unable to do what I wanted to do most. When the mistake happened, I didn't comprehend the effect that those mistakes would have on my life.

I don't know why I'm saying all this. Just a lot on my mind and even more in my heart. I miss my old life, but I really enjoy my new life.

I think it will all work out in the end.

Love y'all.

Comments

  1. JJ BittonOctober 18, 2015 at 10:20 PM

    I miss you tanner. I always sat right behind you in CW because everyone was cliquey, and I liked you because you weren't and I didn't want to be. random but ya. hi. haha.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. TJOctober 19, 2015 at 2:10 AM

      Haha hi! I miss you too JJ. I always wanted to be friends with you because you seemed the most chill of anyone in the class and I like that. Not only that, but you are just a great person overall. I wish I would have been a friend to you.

      Delete

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